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A phone call, yesterday…

The phone rang. I answered it and a woman said, “Hello, is that My Button Dot Com? I’m on your website.”
“Erm, no..? Do you mean Button Jewellery Dot Co Dot UK?”
“Well I typed in My Button Dot Com and your name and number came up. Anyway, did you have a stall at the Clothes Show at the NEC?”
“No.”
“Oh right, well my friend got this necklace there and said it was from My Button. Are you sure you didn’t go to the NEC?”
“Yes, quite sure.”
“And you don’t know anyone who went to the NEC?”
“No. Which website did you say you were on?”
“Well I’m not actually on it any more, it was on my friend’s computer a few weeks ago.”

I typed in mybutton.com on my browser. It was one of those ‘domain is for sale’ sites.

“…anyway,” the woman continued, apparently still utterly convinced that I was the right person to talk to, “what I’m after is a necklace made from purple and lime green hearts. Do you make something like that?”
“No, I’m sorry, I don’t make anything like that.”
“Hmm. Well that’s very strange.”

Well, actually, given everything that had been said in the conversation up to that point, it really wasn’t very strange.

Eventually I persuaded her that perhaps the website she was after was onebuttonuk.com. I have no idea whether this website stocks necklaces made from purple and lime green hearts but it least it got me off the hook…

Some Favourite Insults

I’ve been feeling nostalgic, and thinking over all the marvellous unintentional insults I’ve received over the past few years. There are so many now that I feel they should be collected together in one blog post, to be admired. [Apologies to anyone who has seen some of them before in earlier posts.]

Folk Clubs

These are excellent places to pick up insults. Here is a selection:

‘I really love the tone of your instrument – but I’d very much prefer it if you’d play some beautiful music on it, like maybe some Chopin?’ – strange old man, after I’d just played some of my own folky-type compositions. I mean, I know I’m not as good as Chopin, but a) it was a folk club, and b) Chopin didn’t write for viola.

‘You obviously know each other very well…. in the Biblical sense, I mean!’ – leery drunk man to myself and performing partner

‘I love the way you play the violin. I’d really prefer to hear you play it on your own though.’ – drunk-seeming woman, unintentionally (or not?) insulting my choice in collaborators.

Folk club organiser, after a gig by a trio in which I used to play viola: ‘…I mean you’ve really got something going – you have one of the best concertina players in the country, an absolutely superb bodhran player, and a …. viola player who … knows what she’s doing …’

‘First there was Michael, playing his concertina… and then he acquired … satellites.’ – Folk club MC, apparently explaining the process by which myself and Sarah had invited Michael to join the band we had started.

‘You should make more of yourselves – I mean, dress up more on stage. You could be like the Corrs…’ – folk club audience member informing me that perhaps myself and Sarah should have worn short skirts and sparkly tops instead of t shirts and jeans and leather boots. And also that we should be on Top of the Pops, not in the folk club?

Busking

Possibly even better than folk clubs:

‘I’d put a quid in if you’d play something decent!’ – man grumpily putting 50p into my hat

‘You have to give the people what they want. Get some Beethoven going! No? Well, you’ll never make any money then.’ – a woman, putting £1 in hat.

‘Those instruments would sound excellent if you’d only play a little bit of Bach on them – but you seem intent on playing that Irish stuff, don’t you?’ – rather patronising passerby

Man: ‘What was that last tune?’
Me: ‘It’s called the Holtwood Reel and it was written by a fiddle player called Jess Arrowsmith.’
Man: ‘Oh I don’t think it was.’
Me: ‘I’m quite sure it definitely was.’
Man: ‘No, it was definitely something else.’

Later that same afternoon:

Same man: ‘Now that one had a delightful celtic lilt to it – what was that?’
Me: ‘It was an English tune called Three Around Three.’
Man: ‘Oh it’s “English” is it? Oh, well I’m not sure about that. I am a player, you know – I play in a group…’

Weddings

This one wasn’t directed at me, but I do wonder whether this man realised what he was saying:

Master of Ceremonies: ‘They say that love is a temporary insanity, curable only by marriage. Well, I’d like you to meet a couple who have been recently cured: please welcome … the Bride and Groom!’

New Jewellery Site

I’m just adding the finishing touches to my new jewellery website: The Unexpected Boutique, which sells button jewellery, jigsaw jewellery, dice jewellery, safety pin jewellery and at some point will sell some other things when I get round to making them…