At the moment I keep experiencing a People Who Are At Work And Must Follow the Corporation’s Script scenario.
The other week I received an unsolicited sales call from my building society. The person calling todl me who they were and where they were calling from. I asked them ‘Why?’ and they replied ‘And how are you today?’. So I said, ‘No, I said, why?’ to which the person on the other end of the phone said, ‘Might I remind you that all calls are recorded?’
This threw me a little. It took me several seconds to realise that this was, in fact, out of order because she had called me, and it was unsolicited. So she filled these several seconds by beginning an attempt at selling me insurance. I managed to cut her off and tell her I wasn’t interested. And then! Then she say, ‘And may I ask why?”
I suppose what I should have said was, ‘I don’t have to justify myself and if your organisation ever calls me like this again I will remove all my accounts and take them elsewhere.’ What I actually said was, ‘Because I decide what I want to buy and when I want to buy it, and I don’t respond to sales calls as a matter of course.’ Which I suppose was fair enough, but really the fact that I was asked to justify not wanting the product infuriated me and I was quite irritated with myself for giving her what she wanted. Although maybe it was very subtly saying ‘Because I will not be brainwashed, like you appear to have been’ but I doubt that actually got through.
Yesterday I had a nasty run-in with one of those beclipboarded charity fundraisers who chase people around the streets trying to guilt-trip them into giving them their bank account details by reminding them that they’re very fortunate to be born in the West. For some reason this one had decided I was his Special Target for the day, and chased me about, trying to stop me from passing, even though I made it extremely clear that I did not want to talk to him. The only way to get past these people quickly appears to be by being extremely rude to them, and whenever I do that I feel a bit mean for the rest of the day. So I just looked him in the eyes and said, ‘What do you want?’ and he broke into his script. It was the same situation; I decide when and what to donate to whoever, not some hassling-clipboard-wielding person. They really are a menace.
I eventually managed to get out of it, probably by the wrong tactic: ‘Well, I really don’t have very much money,’ was what I said. He put his head on one side like a bird, and said, ‘How so?’ What I should have done at that point was announced, ‘Because I have spent all of it on cocaine’ and taken advantage of his millisecond of surprise to run away very fast. Unfortunately I told him the truth, and then for some reason he continued to try to engage me in conversation by saying, ‘What sort of musician are you?’ Gaaaaah. I said, ‘A busy one,’ and he finally released me. It’s very hard not being rude to some people sometimes, but I can’t bring myself to actually be rude, even when it’s apparently the only way to deal with such situation quickly and efficiently. Despite the fact that he was being extremely rude in a number of ways, because it’s Regulated By A Good Cause it makes it all right; and if I was to respond in any other way than the way I did [e.g. shout 'Get out of my bloody way you smug luvvie, I'm busy and autonomous!' or something, or even just walk past quickly saying, 'No thanks' - this was what I tried to do, but he actually chased me!] I would apparently be in the wrong due to built-in English cultural things which dictate it to be so. I bet if I’d been Italian that day it would’ve been a different story. Sadly I never seem to wake up Italian, however.
And the third one was in Sainsbury’s. This was a lot less pressurising but still ridiculous. I was buying some wine and two lemons. The girl on the checkout asked me whether I needed any help with my packing. Hmm. Had she actually looked at the conveyor belt? Was there really any packing to do? No. So I said that I didn’t think so, thanks. Then she went on, ‘And how are you today?’ Engage with the customer, make them feel special. ‘Fine,’ I replied pleasantly, hoping this would be the end of it.
But the interrogation continued: ‘Have you done anything nice today?’ What the hell kind of question is this? If someone hasn’t done anything nice, what are they supposed to say? ‘No’? and then feel incredibly sad about how today had been a day out of their life wasted, with no nice things occurring? Or was it a ‘count your blessings and try to think of one nice thing that happened today’ kind of thing? I said, ‘I can’t remember,’ because it seemed the easiest get-out. There was a brief pause, and then she asked, ‘Are you doing anything nice this evening?’ Was this to redeem the possibility of the earlier question having produced a ‘no?’ I wondered. I replied, ‘I have no idea.’
This was followed by the inevitable, ‘Do you have a Necta card?’ To which I responded in the negative. I think she was disappointed. I really wasn’t giving her anything back. ‘Car park ticket?’ she asked desperately. ‘No,’ I said, resisting the English reflex to apologise for not having one – but the thing was, I had walked there…
Next time it will go like this:
‘Do you need any help with your packing?’
‘Yes, I’d like you to do all of it for me, please. I’m just going to stand here and watch.’
‘And how are you today?’
‘Dreadful. I’ve got really painful piles.’
‘Have you done anything nice today?’
‘Yes. I sacrificed a goat, and then had a lovely afternoon weeding the herbaceous border while wearing nothing at all except one sock.’
‘And are you doing anything nice this evening?’
‘Yes. My husbands and I are all going to take some big hammers and smash the windows of all the shops on Parliament Street, and then we’re going to the pub.’
‘Do you have a Necta card?’
‘I have four hundred and thirty seven. I mug people and steal their Necta cards. It’s sort of a hobby. Which one would you like?’
‘Hmm, that one. Car park ticket?’
‘Oh no – I forgot to buy one. Does that mean I’ve been clamped? Bugger!’
