Just before Christmas I went to a partial family gathering / my mum’s birthday party near Dumfries: [these are phone-camera pics so not of amazing quality...] [After the pictures, by the way, there is some more writing.]

The pond. It’s heart-shaped because it was made as a Valentine’s present, so the story goes…

My mum experimenting with her new phone. And some lens flare. But that’s my fault.

Frozen puddles.

Beside the Solway Firth was an Unexpected Pram.

A very hairy hedge. There’s lots of lichen around this area – presumably an indication of the air not being very polluted.

This photo was taken at 11am. Note the Gloom.

These are some round bits of concrete at the edge of the sea at Mersehead Sands, which are possibly old bits of pipe. They get photographed rather too often by members of my family.

Some more 11am gloom.

A particularly good bit of gloom, I thought.

A barn being all Dramatic. In the Gloom.

The reason for the trip was primarily my mum’s birthday, and visiting uncle/aunt/cousins and generally Being In Scotland, which is one of my favourite activities. It was also, for me, in place of Having To Do Christmas. We spent said Nice Family Time with meals, walks and merriment in Scotland, without having all the prescriptive parts of Christmas, which irritate me. Aside from not being religious (which apparently isn’t a valid excuse for not celebrating Christmas) I don’t like having to eat specific things and drink fizzy wine far too early in the morning because it’s “traditional”, and particularly don’t enjoy the TV being on, the awful Christmas music that always finds a way in somehow, and the bizarre late mealtimes. However, I appreciate that some people do like all of these things. So rather than go along and complain and be grumpy and scroogelike, or attempt to convince everyone concerned that we should rebelliously not have turkey, but Thai curry, and should not turn the television on all day but instead spend the days listening to, say, the entire output of Rammstein, I opted out. I didn’t do Going To Visit Family For Christmas. I didn’t do anything for Christmas at all. In my house, we had a completely normal day, did some music work, ate nice uncomplicated food, and I was in an incredibly good mood throughout. My mum phoned me from another uncle’s house after she’d been for a Nice Walk, had a sherry and was about to help peel the sprouts. I could hear Christmas music in the background. She seemed to be having a perfectly nice time without me, but sounded a little baffled: ‘You mean you aren’t doing anything special today at all?’ But ‘not doing anything special’ felt somehow more like doing something special than actually doing something special would have done. If you see what I mean.

Incidentally, on the way home from the Not-Christmas trip to Dumfries, I had an hour stop-over at Carlisle station and visited a tapas bar there which I have always wanted to go to. Here is the cup of tea that I had there:

I am currently lying in bed, exhausted after all the weather. Today I went outside into the Totally Regular Looking weather, to be immediately attacked by a freak hailstorm. Sky chucked ice onto self. Not very impressed. Am now back home, lying down and formulating a shopping list (on my iPod), writing this blog entry (on my iPod) and drinking peppermint tea (via the iNfusions for iPhone application). (Not really.) I appear to be Technology Induced Lumpenness Personified. But appearances deceive. I am actually quite excited – I’m just internalising it.

Excitement is due to the imminent arrival of a midi pedalboard (which is one octave of a giant piano keyboard layout, which I can play with my feet*). Potentially I may be able to do this lying down as well. I suppose this means I retain lumpenness status after all.

However, am now going to physically go to the supermarket, rather than continuing in current paradigm and ordering online. Not convinced is good idea though. Too much weather out there.

*in theory. Not sure whether initial attempts will be listenable.

Last Sunday morning I was meandering around the internet and, via a Twitter post linking to someone’s blog post about whether there was any point to Twitter, that had a comment linking somewhere else, discovered that a company in Canada have invented a drink that is the opposite of Red Bull. It’s an anti-energy drink, and they have called it Slow Cow. [Apparently the marketing executives at Red Bull didn't think this was very funny.]

Maybe everyone else knew about this already? I don’t have a television, so I avoid advertising-bombardment to an extent; which has the downside, occasionally, of someone saying ‘You know such-and-such?’ to me and I have no idea the product exists. But I certainly hadn’t heard of this drink anywhere else yet, and it was only launched in December last year, so perhaps it really is still New and Exciting. I haven’t even seen any in Sainsbury’s, although this is not saying much because Sainsbury’s only just started stocking fennel and that has been around for centuries or even millennia.

According to various product descriptions, the Slow Cow drink makes its consumer feel calm, relaxed, free from anxiety, and yet alert and focused. Which sounds like the ideal combination for inducing a mental state appropriate to being incredibly productive and useful. And also somewhat unbelievable.

After a bit more reading, it transpired that the active ingredient in this wonder-concoction is something called L-Theanine. This is an amino acid, and it is found in something I, and millions of other people, drink already, every day: tea.

There was some inconsistency between different websites as to whether it’s found exclusively in green tea, or in black tea as well. For argument’s sake, let’s assume it’s in all tea. Then I can theorise! In ‘Watching the English‘ by Kate Fox, it is explained that making a cup of tea is one of the many ways the English deal with being socially awkward [having 'social dis-ease', it's called in the book'] – it’s a displacement mechanism to occupy people in a nice, familar and non-controversial way, as is talking about the weather. [Well, actually I think the weather can be quite controversial, but when I've disagreed with people's opinions about the weather in the past they seemed rather affronted, so I've stopped doing it]. It’s what English people do immediately and automatically when someone comes to their house. But what if, as well as being a displacement, it’s also because of the L-Theanine? Maybe having a cup of tea gets rid of our inbuilt social anxiety, and makes us able to deal with Someone Else Being In Our House, Needing To Be Entertained. Also could explain the Nice Cup of Tea being the accepted universal and reflexive solution to any kind of emotional trauma.

This may also partially explain why, some mornings after one cup of tea, I feel as though my head is craving another one, but my stomach is saying ‘Noooo, no more caffeine’. Having a second cup of tea at this stage always makes me feel sick, although generally makes my head better. And maybe it induces a slight feeling of serenity too? Except this is overridden by feeling sick. I’m not sure. I will to monitor this, but of course now I’ll be thinking about it and might get placebo-serenity. I suppose this would be no bad thing, albeit thoroughly unscientific.

In the Week Of Which We Do Not Speak, when I tried to give up alcohol and tea at the same time, this could explain why I was in a thoroughly foul mood for the duration. [Well. Maybe that was because of other things as well.] Theanine deprivation. Makes me slightly concerned that my entire personality is influenced by my two cups of tea a day, and without this dosage I would not be able to socialise nicely at all, and would go around tripping people up in the street because I didn’t like the look of them, taunting zoo animals with holiday brochures about Africa, vandalising people’s allotments, and other unpleasant things. This theory falls down immediately, of course, in that there are bound to be people in the world who drink tea and still do unpleasant things such as instigate totalitarian regimes etc.: so it can’t be Just Tea.

Anyway, the amino acid sounds intriguing. Where to get it, though? The Slow Cow drink doesn’t seem to be on any shop shelves that I’ve seen yet [although, to be fair, I haven't looked for it specifically]. I don’t know whether it survives the decaffeination process of de-caf tea [which I don't really like the taste of anyway, personally] but in case it doesn’t, L-Theanine is available as a straight food supplement. Apparently it’s sometimes even used as an alternative to Ritalin, and I’ve seen some which has added Valerian in it as well, as a sleeping aid.

I wonder what it’s like if you take it with coffee? Does it make you calm, relaxed, focused and very fast? Or with whisky? Calm, relaxed, focused and incredibly poetic? [And drunk?]

Anyway, in conclusion, 1. Twitter is useful, in a roundabout sort of way; 2. Without tea, English society would completely break down; either that or evolve into a new culture of non-tea-dependent super-beings.

‘Be More Organised’, I said.’Drink Less Alcohol’, I said. [Or did I? Maybe I was supposed to drink as much as I wanted but make sure I went jogging.]

Here is what happened yesterday:

7am. Wake up in panic in a bed in my mother’s house, where I am spending weekend. Have massive suspicion that am going to have hangover. Must not have hangover because, as was fully aware last night, must find motherboard drivers for my mum’s computer – on which I do not know the model of the motherboard – and install them, before 3pm, or entire computer will not work because I have reinstalled Windows cleanly on it and it has eaten all the drivers, which I thought were on the Service Pack 1 CD which I installed on previous day, and which did nothing. But cannot get up now and do it as feel extremely unwell. This is entirely own stupid, stupid fault.

Realise that panicking really makes hangovers feel worse than they actually are, as hangover is partly the nervous system suddenly getting all the body’s shock signals from the period when it was numbed from the alcohol. Attempt to stop panicking. Get up, drink water, find one single, extremely strong painkiller in washbag in bathroom. Go back to bed, feel a bit better, fall asleep.

10am. Woken by twin forces of mother-with-cup-of-tea, and very enthusiastic cat. Cat kindly massages my fragile stomach area with claws. Drink cup of tea. Stroke cat. Feel sick. Get up, make bowl of muesli and go to computer.

10.15am – 1.30pm. Horrible period of Googling bits of serial numbers and names written on the motherboard, downloading software, eating muesli and conferring with Tom over email about what to do. Finally get correct drivers from Service Pack 1 CD, which had told me it was installing them when it hadn’t really. It had not provided the essential information that rather than click ‘install drivers’ and watch it installing something [still unsure as to what] I was really supposed to go through the list and manually install the drivers, of which there were several different ones and no information as to which was the right one. However, through the Googling of motherboard-related things I now know what to do. Computer finds its hardware and devices and the graphics become normal. [This may disappoint mother, who told me she liked how it looked when the graphics card wasn't working.]

1.35pm. Stop panicking and eat some ham.

2pm. Some relatives arrive to have coffee. Have to balance socialising with them, pretending do not have hangover, running Windows Update, sourcing anti-virus software, setting up my mum’s email and packing to go home. Nearly manage this.

3.10pm. Get lift to station. Go to correct platform. Sit in waiting room on own.

3.36pm. Train arrives. Get on it. Phone rings. Is my mother, telling me that I have left the power supply to my MacBook at her house.

3.37pm. Argh! Argh! World goes a bit spinny. How long will battery in MacBook last? What will I do?!

3.38pm. It is arranged that my sister, who was also visiting my mother, will take the power supply to her house in Leeds and I can collect it from her. She is going back there today but not leaving for another hour. I am going back to York, now. Decide will collect power supply tomorrow. Feel very very annoyed with self, as huge waste of time and money.

3.56pm. Arrive Carlisle. Look for my train to Newcastle. See there is a train to Leeds instead! Decide, in amazing moment of genius, to get Leeds train, meet sister in Leeds tonight and collect power supply, and then go on to York from there, as Penrith – York ticket allows either Newcastle or Leeds route to York. Hooray! Am suddenly upgraded to Genius from previous Idiot level.

3.57pm. Run frantically about trying to find platform 6, from which Leeds train will depart at 16.00.

3.59pm. Get on train. Hear two other people discussing whether or not it really is the Leeds train. They seem to think it is, but am made nervous by their doubts.

4.10pm. Become more nervous. Train has not yet left. Four people next to me are merrily talking about embarrassing text-message-related incidents and worrying about the fat content of the cream-covered hot chocolate, chocolate bars and crisps they are eating. A couple are snogging each other’s faces off on the platform.

4.25pm. Man gets on with copy of Daily Mail and starts reading it, two seats in front of me. Cannot help seeing headlines. Am frankly appalled.

4.30pm. Train announcement: ‘Welcome aboard the 16.37  [what? Was sure it said 16.00...] to Leeds, calling at Armathwaite, Lazonby and Kirkoswald, Langwathby .. blah blah, endless list of stations … and Leeds.’ That’s all right then. Can relax.

4.37pm. Train leaves.

4.38pm. Suddenly realise am starving. Eat Fisherman’s Friend as only food present.

4.39pm. Think about Langwathby. This is the station that my sister is getting a train from. There are several stations near my mum’s house, all on different lines. I was taking the train from Penrith, going up to Carlisle, across to Newcastle [where I was possibly supposed to have coffee with a friend] and down to York. Now I am taking a route which meant going up to Carlisle, back down to almost the exact same place I got on in the first place, and on to Leeds and across to York. This is silly. Realise that my sister is likely to get on same train as I am, having left the same place I was staying at but an hour later. Feel slightly stupid about route-planning.

4.40pm. Send text message to sister saying to get on in the last carriage [where I am sitting] as suspect may be on same train, but not to mention this to any family members as will never hear the last of it.

4.45pm. Text friend in Newcastle to say cannot come to Newcastle. Attempt to explain all of the above within the characters allowed in a text message.

4.50pm. Text back from friend apologises for not actually getting the message I sent earlier trying to arrange having coffee in Newcastle, as has been gardening all day and has only just come in because apparently gardening in dark not effective. Consensus is that we are both equally disorganised and will try harder next time.

5.02pm. Sister gets on train. Incredulity and explanation occur. Receive power supply for laptop. Eat a small amount of cake that my sister has with her.

5.05pm – 6.50pm. Watch Will and Grace DVD on my laptop, sharing pair of headphones with one ear each. I stick one one end of another pair of phones in the other ear. This is not plugged into anything, but blocks out the sound of the people having conversations about text messages. Feel much, much better.

7.30pm. Arrive in Leeds.

7.35pm. Say goodbye to sister, who gets on a train back to her specific bit of Leeds. Look for train for me.

7.38pm. Hideous. All trains to York replaced by buses tonight. Then manage to find very last one which is still a train; rush to platform 15b.

7.43pm. Get on train, sit down. Extremely hungry. Consider offering girl opposite me £5 for her bag of prawn cocktail crisps. Decide actually stupid idea.

7.45pm. Train announcement: ‘Welcome on board the 19.47 Transpennine Express service to Middlesbrough, calling at Thirsk, Northallerton …’ Half the population of the train gets up in panic as York has been missed off the announcement; am going to have to get horrible bus after all.. everyone starts getting up to leave.Woman in official jacket yells ‘No! Stay on the train! Get back on!’ at people getting off it.

7.46pm. Slightly embarrassed train announcement: ‘This service will be calling at York. Sorry.’

7.47pm. Everyone settles back down. Consider bursting into tears but decide this would be both unproductive and unEnglish, which would alarm other passengers.

7.48pm. Eat another Fisherman’s Friend.

8.10pm. Train arrives in York. Am met at station by Tom, who has a) a car with him and b) food in the oven at home! Say many appreciative things. May continue to do this for rest of life. Or at least for next week, anyway.

8.30pm. Get home, have shower, take ibruprofen, eat roasted things, look at emails, play some music and have interesting discussion about neurology, muscles and playing instruments.

12 midnight. Check email again, drink valerian tea, collapse in bed and sleep for an extremely long time. Resolve not to leave house ever again.